"I Keep Relapsing and I Don’t Know Why": Why Sobriety Isn’t Enough
If you’ve ever told yourself, “This is the last time,” only to find yourself acting out again days—or even hours—later, you’re not alone.
You may be asking yourself, “Why do I keep relapsing, even though I want to stop?”
You may even be wondering if you're really addicted, or if you're just weak. You may feel ashamed, confused, and completely alone.
Here’s what I want you to know:
Relapse doesn’t mean you’re broken.
It means you’re trying to build sobriety without the foundation of recovery.
Sobriety vs. Recovery
Let’s be clear: Sobriety matters.
Stopping the compulsive sexual behavior—whatever it is for you—is necessary.
But sobriety by itself isn’t sustainable.
Sobriety is about what you stop doing. It’s usually defined by your bottom-line behaviors—the things you agree to stop, like pornography, hook-ups, emotional affairs, or compulsive masturbation.
Recovery is different.
Recovery is the process of healing. It’s how you build a life that supports your sobriety. It’s the inner work that helps you understand why you acted out in the first place—and what needs were being met by that behavior.
Without recovery, sobriety becomes white-knuckling. You might be able to stop for a little while, but the cravings come back. The isolation returns. The shame grows.
And eventually, you relapse.
Why Willpower Isn’t the Problem
Addictive behaviors don’t exist in a vacuum. They’re doing something for you. Maybe they help you feel desirable. Maybe they numb pain. Maybe they’re a way to escape loneliness, anxiety, or emptiness.
So when you try to “just stop,” you create a vacuum—a deep unmet need with nothing to replace it. That’s why relapse happens.
Recovery is what fills the vacuum.
It gives you new tools, new relationships, new ways of coping. It helps you meet the underlying needs without turning to self-destructive behaviors.
First-Order vs. Second-Order Change
Dr. Patrick Carnes talks about two types of change: first-order and second-order.
First-order change sounds like:
“I just need to stop.”
“No one else needs to know.”
“I can do this on my own.”
“This isn’t hurting anyone.”
“I just need more willpower.”
It’s change on the surface. It might look like progress—but it keeps the old beliefs, the old strategies, and the secrecy intact.
Second-order change sounds like:
“My way isn’t working.”
“I need help, and I can’t do this alone.”
“Even if no one knows, this is hurting how I relate to people I love.”
“My behaviors are harming me—my self-worth, my body, my ability to connect.”
“I’m ready to try something new.”
Second-order change is what true recovery looks like. It’s honest, relational, and transformative.
What Recovery Actually Looks Like
In early recovery, it might look like:
Attending a 12-step program (like SAA or SLAA)
Starting therapy with someone who understands sex addiction
Journaling and learning your triggers
Moving your body through regular exercise
Practicing real self-care—not just bubble baths, but sleep, nourishment, boundaries
As you grow in recovery, it begins to look like:
Telling the truth about your inner life
Cultivating empathy for the people you’ve hurt
Healing past trauma
Learning intimacy and vulnerability
Practicing humility, instead of defensiveness
Growing in self-respect and self-compassion
Recovery isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being real—and choosing healing over hiding.
Ready for Something Different?
If you’re stuck in the cycle of relapse and don’t know why—if sobriety keeps slipping through your fingers—it might be time to stop trying harder and start trying differently.
I work with individuals who are ready to go beyond behavior management and start building true recovery—work that’s grounded in compassion, honesty, and deep transformation.
You don’t have to figure this out alone.
📩 Reach out today to schedule a free consult or learn more about how I can help.
Together, we can move from secrecy to connection, from shame to wholeness, and from temporary sobriety to lasting recovery.